Goth Detectives

Dark Shadows rules!

I'm regretting now that I didn't find a cave or something four years ago when I saw Iron Man and devote myself to consuming vast quantities of Avengers-related comics (which would, of course, later be recapitulated in a five-minute training montage). I just want to write all the porn and find myself hampered by a lack of paracanonical knowledge to draw world-building detail from. I mean, seriously, how are you going to set a sex scene on a planetoid if you're not sure how its gravitational pull would affect visiting humans?

Speaking of source canon knowledge, we probably would have seen The Avengers again yesterday if it hadn't been for the release of the latest messy and rather self-indulgent Tim Burton/Johnny Depp/Helena Bonham Carter collaboration, Dark Shadows. You see, a while back This American Life reran their Conventions episode, and we learned that my mother had been a youthful aficionado of Barnabas Collins and his gothic doings. In fact, she said, when her family went on vacation in 1967, her friend Carla made copious notes for her so that she would be apprised of everything that had taken place in Collinwood. My brother and I both being huge genre dorks, naturally we thought this was amazing, and when we heard about the movie with Johnny Depp, whom my mother will watch in literally anything although she denies that this constitutes a crush, we knew we were going to be taking her to see it.

Even better, before we actually left for the movie, my mom combed through all of her keepsake boxes and actually found a letter from Carla with her recap! I have transcribed it for posterity and your reading pleasure below.

NOW FINALLY -- COMICS & TV --

On DARK SHADOWS .. it's getting scary!! Maggie's doll (that she got from Sarah, remember) was going to get a name. A psychiatrist is trying to find out who the madman is. She asked Maggie if Sarah was a good name but she said no 'cause she got the doll from her. Joshet [sic] Collins, didn't think anything of it, but "Barnabus [sic] Collins" & Maggie said "No, no, don't say that name." The psychiatrist, Miss Hoffmann, went to visit Collinwood. Hoff (for short I'll say) is trying to find more about Collins. (Barnabus [sic])

One night while Vicki was sleeping B. Collins came & tried to bite her. (B. Collins is a vampire and if he bites Vicki, she'll become a vampire & be in his power like Willie is.) Hoff went over to B. Collins house to find out more. (B. COLLINS SLEEPS DAY BECAUSE HE'S DEAD. HE'S ALIVE AT NIGHT. HOFF WENT OVER AT DAYBREAK. COLLINS IS GOING TO SLEEP IN HIS COFFIN NOW.) She found the steps to his coffin room. She opened it up. (COLLINS HAD JUST GONE TO BED?) His eyelids started to move!

Sorry, find out when you come home. HA! HA!

The movie itself was not bad, although it relies pretty lazily on fish-out-of-water humor and Johnny Depp's funny reaction faces to everything. To be fair, Johnny Depp does have some very funny reaction faces.

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