Mai Yamani

New Years Challengeathon #1: I Fucking Hate Star Control II

So, satyadasa requested Star Control II: The Ur-Quan Masters slash. He did this on purpose because he knows that I hate that game more than anything, ever, and so he likes to inflict it on me whenever possible. And then handynavi wanted to play it, so I had to download the open source emulator port thing and play through the first tedious hour or so, all the while with satyadasa on speakerphone offering helpful hints.

This was all the "research" I required to write this little piece, which is very descriptively entitled I Fucking Hate Star Control II. Captain Zelnick/Commander Hayes, 451 words, PG-13, completely idiotic (hey, don't you wish more authors warned you about idiocy beforehand?), plus a screenshot of Commander Hayes for good measure





“We really need some radioactive materials, Captain Zelnick. And some Tzo Crystals. Oh, and a life. We really need at least one of those. Everyone on this base is incredibly dull and tedious, just like me.”

The captain nodded his head like he was listening to the complaints of Commander Hayes, stationed on the base outside the planet Earth, which had been cruelly enslaved by the Ur-Quan, but he totally wasn’t. He was ogling the commander’s gym-bunny physique and trying to figure out the last time that he got laid. He couldn’t remember, but it was definitely a while ago, before he had been sent on that very secret mission which had led him to the alien technology that formed his skeletal starship. He wished that he could interrupt and skip some of this tedious dialogue that sounded like it had been poorly synthesized and recorded for a Sony 3DO, but alas, he could not.

Finally, the commander shut up. The captain surveyed the dialogue options that he had been presented with. All of them sucked. Luckily, since he was playing the open source version of the game, he was able to hack a new dialogue option in, which he selected gleefully.

"Let's have sex. My place or yours?"

Commander Hayes was shocked. At least, Zelnick assumed that he was shocked; his pixelated countenance remained unchanged. "But, Captain! I have to stay here and be lame and demanding and you have to go around engaging in tedious and pointless tasks and talking to various entities that are even more annoying than me and eventually defeat the Ur-Quan, assuming you are sufficiently autistic to complete this game! We cannot possibly have sex!"

"If I don't get laid, I'm not going to defeat the Ur-Quan, or anything else," Zelnick explained firmly. "And you're the only vaguely humanoid thing I've found so far. I'm not going to sleep with a fucking Spathi. Plus, you're pretty hot."

"Oh, you think so?" Commander Hayes preened. "I do spend a lot of time in the gym. There's not much else to do on this base, you know."

"Hey, if you think that's bad, you should try traveling to various planets throughout the universe and engaging in tedious mining expeditions."

"At least you can travel to various planets throughout the universe! Whereas I am trapped here as an Ur-Quan slave!"

Zelnick made a dismissive gesture and abandoned this line of argument. "So, wanna see my spaceship?" He leered. "It incorporates alien Precursor technology." He exposed himself over the comm link.

"Yeah, sure," Commander Hayes said, apparently forgetting that he had previously objected. He got onto the Vindicator somehow and then they had sex. The end.


Well, the NYC fics can only get better from here.
  • Current Mood: bitchy bitchy
I don't know what this was, but I think it is, quite possibly, the best thing that will be written this entire year. No, wait. The best to be written, EVER.
... you only say that because I haven't finished the NYU RBS (real building slash) fic.
It's the new sensation that's sweeping the nation! Speculation abounds as to whether the Puck Building's corniced overhands are eyeing the swell of Third North's atrium!