So. Uh. There's really nothing I can say that will make this any better, is there? It's probably a judgement on me for thinking that RPS was the silliest thing imaginable when I first heard of it, lo these many years ago.

Ways to Get Back at Stephen Fry by Alan Davies aged 39½

Rating: Let's say R
Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. It is not actually by Alan Davies. It does not purport to be fact. Also, *hides*
Length: 350 words of SHAME


1. Know more things than he does

Rubbish. Never works.

Fry has too much fucking time for knowing things. Quite possibly because he never gets laid. And what he doesn’t know, he either makes it up, or gets the blokes that have got the headsets and Google to tell it to him. How is that fair?


2. Find his books in shops and put them wrong-side out.

You know, the girl might have at least waited until you were out of sight to put them right side out again. Really spoilt the triumph of the moment for you.


3. Tell everyone what a condescending bastard he is on national television

Good, but ultimately unsatisfying.

Fry will just get round everyone next week with his ‘pretend not to be a condescending bastard when you clearly are’ act. He thinks he’s so clever just because he knows everything.

4. Seduce him and then he’ll really be sorry

It turns out that once you get Fry full of good food and wine and get him safely back to your place, he stops saying things like ‘Don’t be absurd, or at least any more absurd than you can actually help being’ and ‘I’m sure you can find a more suitable partner for your sudden forays into homosexuality’ and starts saying things like ‘Wherever did you learn to do that?’ and ‘Oh fuck yes’.

And once you have torn his waistcoat off and got and his trousers down around his ankles you start feeling quite a bit better about everything, and he starts saying ‘Oh god, oh god’, and you say ‘It’s about time you noticed’ and Stephen laughs. And then stops laughing when you do that thing again.

And afterwards he starts to stroke your hair like he’s petting a dog or something and you would tick him off for it except that it’s actually rather nice.

But only if he does it after sex.