read the ocean by the cupful

Am I my brother's keeper? No, seriously, dude.

Okay, it was bad enough when I wrote his paper comparing the first and last soliloquies from Richard III for him. I mean, it was Sunday and the paper was due the next day and he had a rough draft that he'd apparently written while he was high on Pixy Stix and it was a challenging and totally uninspiring prompt anyway and it was so very very bad that when I tried to read the first sentence aloud to him, he fled the room.

Now, when I say that I wrote it for him, be assured that I in fact trapped him in the basement and opened the document in SubEthaEdit with him and willed the paper into coherence by virtue of a.) discussing with with him, b.) forcing him to write what each paragraph was actually about at the top so that he wouldn't forget mid-sentence, c.) looking up quotations in his book to either argue against what he said or support it and d.) actually writing sentences. You could tell what sentences I'd written, because they were lavender.1 But I still suffered during the entire writing process.

But that was as nothing to when I found myself inviting girls to Homecoming for him by means of an elaborate project which he conceived on the spur of the moment during maths and which he expected to have carried out by 6:00 PM.

See, he started by asking me to use my digital camera to take some pictures around town for him, which I was perfectly willing to do. I figured it was for school. It turned out that he had written out what he wanted to say in his invitation to this girl, and he wanted to have it illustrated with photos of certain things, like the high school, one of those pictures of himself, the movie theatre, a restaurant, his video game, collection, an elk,2 etc.

We (and by we I mean I, as I am a superior photographer) took all the pictures, and I asked how exactly he intended to assemble this multimedia invitation. He didn't know. I said, what about a poster. He said no, not so much. I said, okay, do you have any index cards? You could put the writing on the index cards and make it into an enormous fold-out card. This suggestion was more amenable to him.

We got home and I downloaded the pictures from my camera and emailed them to him. He whined and complained that the family printer was a piece of crap, and he could not print the pictures. I said, I have never printer pictures on that printer, so why are you looking at me, anyway? He whined some more and lined up approximately eighteen print jobs and then I asked, did you plug the printer back in after I printed out your paper for you? And then he got all quiet and dashed off. He still couldn't figure out how to print the pictures, though, so I did it for him.

And then I said, um, where is the picture of the elk? And he said, it's on your camera. And I said, no. No, it isn't. And he said, but I walked all the way down the street to take the picture. And I asked, did you press the button? And he said, ha ha very funny. And I said, you must not have pressed the button, because there was no picture. And then he went and took a picture of an elk for real.

In the meantime, I taped 4x6 index cards together and folded them like an accordion. I taped pictures to them. I taped the printed out text to them, too, until I realized that, duh, I could print directly on the index cards, so I did that, and fixed all the tape again.

In the meantime, Danny went off and set a plastic bottle on fire to relieve his nerves.

Finally, I turned over the finished product to him, and he signed it (at my suggestion) and stuffed it in an envelope (at my suggestion). He was going to leave with it, but I told him that I was taking a picture of it first since I was never going to see all my hard work again, and I wanted something to remember it by. It looked like this [TRANSCRIBED BELOW, don't give yourself eyestrain, satyadasa]:



Since I don't suppose you can read it, it says:

"[picture of the high school]

At this school which we happen to attend, they have a Homecoming Dance.

There is a possibility that

[picture of Danny]

could take you to this dance if you wish. The evening could start out with dinner, perhaps somewhere like

[picture of a restaurant in the historic town square]

or further from home. If you do not wish to attend the dance itself, one might watch a movie at the

[picture of theatre]

or perhaps find something closer to home, like

[picture of my family's DVDs]

But if none of these suggestions meet with your approval, I would have a good evening as long as it was with you.

[picture of an elk]

This is an elk.

There are many activities around Homecoming; would you perhaps share them with me?"


At least it worked. She turned him down last year, but not this year. Thanks to me. Me, me, all me.

Trip to the dentist was uneventful. Drove all the way there listening to The View From Saturday, which was an excellent production with five different readers for each of the different narrators: Mrs. Olinski, Noah, Nadia, Ethan and Julian. Plus another guy to read the fifteen questions at the end. ;) I still love that book to pieces, and now my mother knows why.

When we got to my grandparents' house, I collapsed and fell asleep while my mom and grandma fussed around with AOL in an utter reversal of expected roles. The AOL tech support people refused to reveal sensitive information like where the "Send Email" button in AOL 9.0 is to my grandma, because her name is not on the credit card that pays the monthly fee.

My mother dragged me most unwillingly out of bed at 7:40 and we went to the dentist. He said to ignore the weird shadow on my tooth that is visible in some lights, which he attributed to the incredible shittiness of the underlying tooth.3 He also drilled down the filling that he had put in in June, saying that it was much too high and he was surprised it hadn't broken already. Jeez. He might have noticed that before. He didn't charge us for the visit or anything, though.

On the way back we listened to the first 4/10 of Night Train to Memphis and now my mom is listening to the rest of it. At one point while I was switching tapes, she started singing something called "Delta Rose" and I groaned, "Good lord," and she thought that I called her a whore. Which, you know. Makes us even.

I've got new socks on! Nice smartwool casual walking socks. Mmm, wool.


1Not in the final copy.
2I am so not even shitting you.
3The exact word he used was "calcification". But yeah. I know my teeth are evil. This is why I had them capped.
  • Current Mood: exanimate exanimate
  • Current Music: Seven Circles - Seven Circles - The Tea Party
That is too adorable, I love that he came up with the idea, even though you clearly secured it :>

"[picture of an elk]

This is an elk."


I. Am. Dead. Seriously *DEAD*

"The AOL tech support people refused to reveal sensitive information like where the "Send Email" button in AOL 9.02" this is indeed sensitive data, and I'm not surprised the AOL tech support wouldn't reveal it, it is a clearly a difficult path to enlightenment :(

Seriously though - that does sound like AOL - suspect tech support didn't actually know where the 'send email' button was themselves -.- I have a long history with aol tech support, emphasis on the looooong -.-

And socks are leik the bestest things evAr *is suitably impressed*

<3
That is too adorable, I love that he came up with the idea, even though you clearly secured it :>

Yes. I would like to be asked to a dance like that. Only not by my brother. Or by my self. And you could possibly pay me enough to go back to high school, but it would be a lot. But you know.

suspect tech support didn't actually know where the 'send email' button was themselves

I would so not not even be surprised. At all.

And socks are leik the bestest things evAr *is suitably impressed*

<3<3<3
Gosh I could totally see Mike trying to read the cards.
I wish a boy would make something creative and clever to ask me out. But no. All I got was a guy who used his only weekend of freedom in April to buy and later send me an engagement ring.
Where does one find a Duck Hunt T-shirt?
He totally did. I edited the post after he told me he was trying to make it out in AIM.

One gets them at Hot Topic, I believe. And possibly other places, but I think Hot Topic tends to have the best selection, according to mon frère. Nintendo seems to be fully aware of the power of nostalgia combined with licensing now now.
Crunchy and stays crunchy in milk?

Am all for the edible cute redheaded boys.